Finding Hope

Hey Everyone,

As some of you might have noticed, it's been a while. About a month since my last video, and even longer since my last post here! See, I've been taking some time for myself recently, and I think now I’m ready to share why. It's not going to be easy, but I feel that I need to do this if I want to do things right going forward. I know that this won’t be as upbeat as usual, and probably a little longer than other blogs in the past, but I hope that at the end of it you'll have a little more insight into who I am not only as a musician, but as a person.

I guess the best way to frame this is in the context of my latest original song, "Don't Run". I don't usually like to talk about the inspiration behind my songs, because I like the way people add their own experiences into the words. I love to hear how they see themselves in the song, or someone they love, or even an interpretation that has a totally cool and different spin from what I was thinking while writing it! But this time around, I think I have to explain. It's just too personal not too.

I've attached the video, so you can have a listen before I blab on. Go ahead! I'll wait...

Ready? Sweet! Here we go then...

This song originated when someone close to me went missing. He ran away, and this was my way of coping with the situation. After all, that's what musicians do! We write. I never thought it would become anything more than just a song to work out my feelings. But I guess if I’ve learned anything from my years of writing, it’s that God has a funny way of working his own message into my songs, and the second verse, well the second verse was all for me.

“She is afraid of letting go of all her fears, and yet she wishes she could leave them behind. So tired of holding for oh so many years. Can’t she be happy for once this time?”

A few years ago now I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Basically, this is a mental illness where someone excessively worries about a number of different things most days of the week (for at least six months) to the point where their thoughts are disrupting their day to day life. I was having panic attacks, barely sleeping, I couldn’t focus in school, and I began to shut out people to avoid social interaction… I completely shut down. I was miserable. Eventually, I went to see a psychologist and we did some therapy to help me get back on my feet. After about six months’ worth of work I stopped my appointments, I felt better and I was happier than I had been in ages. Unfortunately it didn’t last long.

“And what do you do when all your plans go wrong, you’ve tried your best for far too long, and everything is spinning out of control”

These past couple of years I slowly fell to the lowest low I have ever experienced. I was playing catch up in school and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to reach my goals. I would sit for hours and try to record something for YouTube, never satisfied with the way the song sounded. I was too anxious to talk to others at school or church, yet I felt so lonely it hurt. I was so angry with myself for not reaching this perfect standard that I had set for myself, and I honestly felt like I was a failure.

“Oh she runs. And she runs just like there’s nowhere left to hide, like she’s scared of the light of day. And she can’t find her, and we can’t find her. And I, I will pray for her, I’ll pray for her tonight.”

I tried to act like everything was okay. In my mind I felt that not being okay was a sign of weakness, and there was no room for weakness… But slowly the act became too much. I began avoidance coping, running away if you will, from all the things that worried me. I distracted myself with useless things and activities to the point where I felt I couldn’t find myself anymore. I prayed and prayed that the anxiety would just go away, but what I didn’t realize was that before it could go away, I had to stop running from it.

“Don’t run. I’ll be right by your side. Step into the light! And don’t run, I’ll be right by your side, I’ll hold you in the light. And we won’t leave you, no He won’t leave you. And I, I will pray for you, I’ll pray for you tonight.”

You know, I don’t know where you stand in your beliefs, but let me tell you this. Prayer works. About six months ago (yes, right around the same time I started filming the “Bridges” music video!) I went back to a psychologist. The difference is this time around, I know I’m not doing this on my own. I’ve got my family, my new group of friends, and God by my side. For the longest time anxiety controlled my life (and ya, it still has a firm grasp in some areas), but things are slowly getting better. I’ve overcome a lot of challenges and I’m not done yet. With God’s help I am accomplishing things that seemed unfathomable in the past. I’ve found a new place to gather strength, one outside myself, where anxiety’s tentacles can’t reach. I’m now ready to face my worries head on and accomplish my dreams.

I’m ready to stop running and start living.